"Say Batman, did you see that? Some stupid bastard just flung himself off a railing onto the Batmobile as we drove away from the Mayoral Reception?"

          "No Robin, I didn't see that, is he alright?"

          "Well, he seems to have rolled off the Batmobile's left-side fin and landed on the road where the Mayor's security agents are attending to him."

          "Oh, well, that's good. So they'll look after him and make sure he gets the right sort of attention."

          "He seems to be holding his head and writhing around a lot. Maybe he's convulsing Batman?"

          "Well Robin, if some disturbed person is just going to launch himself off a protective railing onto our inoffensive Batmobile, he just has to wear the consequences of his actions, don't you think?"

          "Sure Batman, but what if he's a schizo or an epileptic or something like that, what if he's just an out of control person? Like, what if he can't help himself and is just given to jumping off protective railings onto vehicles like the Batmobile?"

          "Well Robin, the world is a pretty crazy place, disturbed people everywhere are doing things we can't possibly prevent. How can we prevent some poor disfunctional disturbed person from doing themselves harm, or even from doing harm to the Batmobile?"

          "You're right Batman, hadn't thought of it like that. I guess he should have chosen another car to launch himself at instead of the Batmobile. Why do you think the world's so full of crazy people Batman?"

          "Well, young friend, I've given a lot of thought to that question over the years, but I haven't been able to come up with a satisfactory answer. It's a very deep question, and a very deep problem. It seems to me that it's just a truism: the world is chock full of crazy and disturbed people, criminals, sycophants and other deranged members of the species. But you shouldn't worry about it too much, we're doing our best to keep them under control. Don't you think?"

          "Yes Batman, we are trying our best, but it seems our best is not quite good enough. The very moment we bring one criminal to account, another steps up to take his place. Then we attend to the crook who has taken the place of the first one, and two more take his or her place, to be 100% PC about this problem. You know what Batman? I think I'm getting a little tired of fighting evil all the time... evil is really hard to beat!"

          "Well Robin, I certainly can't argue with that, it is extremely hard to beat evil, and all the perpetrators of evil, but someone's gotta do it, or there's just no hope for the world."

          "But why us Batman, why you and why me? I'm sick and tired of Gotham City and its endless round of crime and corruption, lies and deception, murder and mayhem, every little two-bit looney running a new gang determined to bring civilisation to its knees. Sometimes I feel like going over to their side. The numbers are with them Batman. You and I are so few compared with the many of them. Sometimes I want to chuck it in Batman, get with the strength... I'm sick of fighting it.... I think I need a holiday."

          "Come off it Robin, what are you saying? If we don't keep up our end of the game, Gotham City's a goner... the barbarians will have won and all the decent people who live in the endless drab suburbs of Gotham City will be subject to the whims of criminals who will take control. We can't just leave the good, decent, common people to a fate like that? Can we?"

          "Say Batman, do you mind if I ask you a very personal question?"

          "Of course not Robin, what is it you want to ask me?"

          "Batman, just lately I've been wondering why we go around in these ridiculous costumes, like, it's ok for me, I'm just an adolescent, but you, you're a fully grown man... pretending to be a bat. Don't you ever wonder what people will think of a middle-aged man running around wearing a costume that makes him look like a giant bat?"

          "But Robin, Boy Wonder! Lot's of people dress up. Everywhere in the world people choose costumes to give them an alternative identity, and mark them off as different from the herd. Just take the Church for instance, think of all those highly ornate ceremonial robes they wear, leftovers of bygone ages. The Cardinals in their crimson and the Popes in their spotless white outfits, and the drag they use in the Church services, every little parish priest has his different chasuble for each different holy day. Not to mention the judges, the mayors, the academics. We're not the only people who choose unusual costumes to boost their alter egos, to distinguish themselves from the herd."

          "Well Batman, you can rationalise your fetish as much as you like, but not everyone is going to agree with you. I didn't mind us dressing up in these silly costumes at first, in fact, I used to enjoy it. But just lately, I've been thinking my costume is rather commonplace. And my alter ego's persona is rather drab too. And I'm sick of being stuck in this adolescent pre-pubescent larval stage, idealising an ageing man in a bat costume, fighting endless hordes of criminals who show no signs of ever being reduced, let alone defeated, and here I am stuck in a groove not of my own making, as if predestined by some control freak of a comic book script-writer to a eternity of infantile paralysis."

          "Robin, my dear Robin, what's got into you today? What's brought all this on? Maybe you really do need a rest, perhaps I've been driving you too hard... maybe a holiday would be a good idea."

          "Say Batman, do you really mean it? Do you reckon I could have a proper holiday, like, go away for a while and have a real change of scene? I'd really like that."

          "Sure Robin, dear young friend, sure. But where would you like to go?"

          "Well Batman, I do have a place in mind, but I'm a little nervous to raise it with you...."

          "Robin, Robin, when have I ever denied you your deepest desires? Come on now, open up, be frank. Where would you like to go for a holiday?"

          "Well Batman, it's great that you're so understanding about this, and I'm real sorry to drop it on you all of a sudden like this. But I would like to have a little time off and go to Sweden."

          "Well Robin, Sweden's such a long way away, why Sweden? What's Sweden got to offer that you couldn't get here in good old USA, the land of the free?"

          "Batman, I wish I could answer you as openly and as honestly as you might like, but I'm feeling a bit nervous about how you might take this. There's a Doctor over there I'd like to see."

          "Robin, Robin, you're not ill are you? I thought you were in the peak of condition and as bright as a button. Why do you need to see a Doctor in Sweden?"

          "Well Batman this Doctor is famous for his innovations and he has mastered certain unusual treatments and operations, and if I go to Sweden and see this particular Doctor, I can come back as Veronica Lake. And then I'll be just fine."

          "But Robin, you're so fine just as you are, why would you care to be like Veronica Lake? And anyway, she's dead, isn't she?"

          "Listen Batman, all my life I've wanted to be like Veronica Lake, and most of my life she's been dead. But that didn't stop me wanting to be like her, just as I wanted it so desperately when she was alive. So, if I could go to Sweden to see my beautiful Doctor, I'd need to be over there for about a year, and then I'd come back here. Then I'll be so svelte and so swish and so slinky, and I'll stay at home while you go out to fight the unrelenting hordes of crime, and when you come home at night I'll have a lovely fire lit and make sure that Alfred has prepared the evening meal to perfection, and I'll be dressed in exquisite European designer outfits, candle-lit dinners for two, and you'd still care for me even if Robin was no longer around, but Veronica had taken his place, wouldn't you Brucie?"

          "Robin, Robin, I just don't know what to say. This is all so sudden. As you know I'm not so fond of women, and you know I love you just the way you are... why are you going on like this?"

          "You didn't seem to mind playing around with Catwoman? I thought I detected a bit of subtext in that encounter. I secretly envied Catwoman. I almost forgot my lifelong dream of being Veronica while she was around."

          "Well Robin, I must confess she was a great opponent, a real test of all my strength, and, yes, even of my willpower. She was definitely a worthy opponent. Did you really think I had a soft spot for her?"

          "Brucie, you're so transparent. And so ingenuous! Everyone could see you were half in love with her, and those fights, those topsy-turvy struggles, all your gymnastics pitted against her many acrobatic contortions and her wiles were no more nor less than a metaphor for the fire that was deeply embedded within each of you, and she was so obviously head-over-heels in love with you Batman, she just chose to express it through that totally uncompromising state of aggression she directed at you."

          "Robin, my dear young friend. How can you say all these things? Where are they coming from? You should have said something about this earlier. I'm feeling so confused. I find it so disturbing! I can hardly breathe! I think I'd better pull the Batmobile over to the side of this road and just sit for a while, and let my pulse come back to normal. Robin what are you doing down there?"

          "Just checking out whether you still have your battarang stashed away down there, that's all Brucie. Oh yes, it's there, and it's such nice little battarang. You wouldn't lose control over this lovely little battarang if I came back as Veronica Lake would you Brucie?"

          "Robin, Robin, Robin! If you don't stop mucking around with my battarang we'll run off the road and end up in a tree or something."

          "Say, Brucie, did it ever occur to you, say we had a punctured tyre, how embarrassing it would be for ordinary people seeing a fully-grown man in a bat suit changing a tyre? What would you do if we had a puncture Brucie Woosie?"

          "Well Veronica, I'd switch on the invisiblator and call Alfred, give him the most accurate coordinates possible, and just sit it out until he came to rescue us."

          "And what would you do while we waited the in the invisiblated Batmobile until Alfred would or would not find us Brucie? How would you pass the time, all that time, because Alfred would probably not find us in the invisiblated Batmobile, Brucie Baby."

          "Ah Veronica, you could charm the leg off an iron table. I'd just have to pass the time showing you how my battarang works. What do you think of that my darling Veronica?"

          "Not bad Brucie, not bad at all. Quite impressive for an ageing playboy given to dressing up in masque and cape, pretending to be a giant bat. Now, Brucie Woosie, why don't you just come right out and admit that it's so warm and cosy in this invisible Batmobile, just you and me, alone in the world, and who the hell needs silly old Alfred to come to our rescue?"

          "Ummmmmm."

Because the Dynamic Duo were so deeply engrossed in the mechanics of Batman's battarang, they failed to notice the articulated tanker which was bearing down at speeds well above the designated speed limit. This meant that they failed to deactivate the invisiblator, and the long-haul driver, dreaming of getting home to his wife and children in one of the drab suburbs of Gotham City, inevitably collided with the invisible Batmobile. From the Police Commissioner's office high above the city a giant gasoline plume illuminated the night sky for a few brief minutes. The cause of the explosion was never discovered and became a much-celebrated case of spontaneous combustion.

From this time Alfred has lived peaceably enough, alone in the mansion which formerly belonged to Bruce Wayne. Gotham City was left to get on with its preoccupation with rampant crime, without any further interference from the famous duo.

from A BAKER'S DOZEN